A spokesperson assured the assembled media that the Fed Board was “deeply concerned” about the American people, inflation, and the unemployment rate, but he was heckled off the stage.

In an extraordinary admission, the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve conceded that the Federal Reserve is “at heart a criminal conspiracy of bankers.” The Board followed up this revelation with a breezy confession that the Fed “doesn’t really give a rat’s rear-end about the American people, and we’re tired of having to claim we do.”

The Fed’s role was global, the Board explained; the American people played no part whatsoever in Fed policy or decisions. “Honestly, why would anyone think we waste a moment’s thought on the American people?” one commented. “We’re here to maintain the power and wealth of the banking sector on a global scale. We have zero interest in John Q. Citizen’s travails or his income. Our only interest in Mr. Citizen is that he continue to keep his mouth shut and not make waves.”

The unprecedented display of bare-knuckled honesty was in evidence throughout the meeting. Asked if the Fed was confident that its policies were appropriate for the nation, one board member snapped, “We don’t really think about the nation, but yes, we are 99% confident that our policies are appropriate and correct. In fact, let’s dispense with the false modesty: we’re 100% confident we are correct.”

When a reporter asked if the Board was familiar with the Dunning–Kruger effect, a Board member snapped, “We don’t concern ourselves with rare neurological diseases, or whatever that is. We govern the markets and the global economy.”

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias wherein unskilled individuals suffer from illusory superiority, mistakenly assessing their ability to be much higher than is accurate.

“If you’re incompetent, you can’t know you’re incompetent. […] the skills you need to produce a right answer are exactly the skills you need to recognize what a right answer is.” David Dunning

Rumors quickly spread that the Fed’s water supply had been spiked with Ibogaine, which could explain the extraordinary public outburst of truthfulness. As handlers moved in to escort the Board members to their private chambers, some of the Board responded testily. One was heard to mutter, “Keep your grubby little paws off me, peon!”

A spokesperson assured the assembled media that the Fed Board was “deeply concerned” about the American people, inflation, and the unemployment rate, but he was heckled off the stage.

This is our annual April Fool’s Day entry.


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