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CDC warning of ‘zombie apocalypse’ follows report of undead Osama (satire)
Posted By aaron On May 21, 2011 @ 9:10 am In Humor,Tile | Comments Disabled
May 21, 2011
“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).” -CDC Report
(SATIRE) It’s beginning to look like the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) real, but very bizarre warning to prepare for a “Zombie Apocalypse” was based upon the recognition that the “Osama bin Laden” encountered by Navy SEALs in Abbottabad, Pakistan would have been a resurrected version of the terrorist leader that has come back to life at least nine times (at least 9 real reports of his death have occurred). This sparked fears that death may not be as binding as once believed.
Realizing that the fictional rules of zombie movies like Night of the Living Dead and horror flicks like Friday the 13th (Jason Lives!) have been applied to the Obama Administration’s official narratives, the CDC tailor-made its blunt warning to reflect the “new reality,” one based upon Orwellian fantasy.
The CDC likely also read this report:
Osama Bin Laden rises from dead, zombie apocalypse upon us
The zombie apocalypse may be upon us. After being killed by Navy Seals on May 1, Osama Bin Laden has come back as a zombie. The terrorist rose from the dead one week after his death and has been steadily consuming victims since. He started by chewing the face off the guard in charge of watching his body. Then he moved on to the general population, which is rapidly becoming more zombie than human. To stop the spread of zombies to the rest of the world, world leaders are proposing sealing off the entire Middle East, where it is spreading rapidly.
As well as this one from shortly after Osama bin Laden’s reported death and burial at sea:
Image from Celebrity Freakshow.com
Zombie Osama bin Laden Rises from Indian Ocean!
PAKISTAN – As the world celebrated the death of international terrorist leader Osama bin Laden on Sunday, the undead corpse of the slain criminal mastermind rose from the Indian Ocean and vowed increased terrorist activities.
In a top-secret operation last Sunday, U.S Navy seals entered a fortified compound in Pakistan and shot the architect of the terrorist attacks on the United States in 2001. In accordance with Islamic law, bin Laden’s body was washed, covered in a white sheet, and buried in the Indian Ocean within the 24 hour timeframe dictated by sacred Muslim rituals. This gave the government little time to conduct a thorough study of the remains in order to ascertain whether bin Laden was actually dead.
It turns out he wasn’t. The zombified corpse of Osama bin Laden rose from the Indian Ocean floor early this morning. He immediately made another video promising to renew his global jihad against the “brains of the living.” His plan apparently involves biting as many people as possible until “the whole world is consumed by a zombie plague that will make 9/11 look like a trip to Zionist Disneyland,” said zombie Osama.
Why the Zombie hype? It’s all a prep drill. When the Swine Flu (H1N1) panic season returns for 2011, it will likely be the CDC, rather than the White House, leading efforts to scare the daylights out of the public, predictably basing its efforts yet again on a hoax pandemic as in 2009. Sources indicate that such a contrived scare would likely be patterned on martial law scenarios pulled from other fictional films like Outbreak, The Crazies or Rabid, inducing the public to submit to coercive quarantines and mandatory injections more easily due to audience-tested pretexts.
B.S. reports from Homeland Security also indicate that the ‘terrorism bug’ carried by Zombie Osama could spread to domestic extremists, returning veterans and tea party patriots. Janet Napolitano has been quoted as saying “Beware of those foaming with ‘anti-government rage.’ They are not the loved ones you recognize them to be. Aim for the head.” Authorities are also prepared to suppress online discussions about phony White House claims or CIA / National Security actions on Project Bluebeam or other MK Ultra mass-hallucination schemes. Kissinger quotes about preparing for an “enemy from beyond” are now interpreted to mean “from beyond the grave.”
As a precaution, Congress has authorized a perpetual, unlimited war against any enemy- living or dead- that bears any resemblance to or holds any (make) believed links to al Qaeda. Some have even named “Zombie Iran” as the next viable target. According to the CDC, “The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that” gullible Americans will believe anything that is convincingly portrayed on-screen by the corporate media or said with a straight-face during a press conference.
Sources add that the next 9/11 is expected to be mostly a lame sequel, cast with second-rate al Qaeda killers and written by tired old hacks who will unimaginatively ramp-up the violence and special effects to appeal to the common folk. Message board leaks say al Qaeda will have 160 nukes this time, plus lots of small-scale duds to build up suspense in the beginning. SPOILER: Naturally, the good guys save the day, after conducting an FBI “sting” to learn the master plan. After using an informant to stir them into attack, the Feds give them the bomb then vow to avenge the victims, just in time to grandstand and gloat before the election (while covering up for a scandal).
No real photo was available of Zombie Osama at the time of writing.
WHERE IS BIN LADEN’S BODY – Osama Bin Laden killed 9 times now
NOTE: This is article is meant to be humorous satire with references (links) to real events, whether absurd, blunt, audacious or ridiculous, on the part of our loving government. No offense is intended, but viewer discretion is advised (most zombie movies get an R-rating last I checked). It is the government, and not this site, which first brought up the zombie factor as well as repeated accounts that terror icons are dead. It is that party which has dehumanized the victims by exploiting the tragedy and refusing to investigate the true cause of nearly 3,000 deaths on 9/11 and more than a million deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan.
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