Hide your wieners. And your burgers, and your chicken quarters and your T-bones. It appears the EPA has funded a $15,000 grant geared at among other things “limiting the overall air pollution … and alleviating some of the acute health problems” associated with backyard barbecue grills.

Students at the University of California Riverside received the grant as part of the federal agency’s People, Prosperity and Planet (P3) Program. Isn’t that just peachy?

Doesn’t the People, Prosperity and Planet (P3) Program have an oddly Cold War-ish sound? Kinda like the “Peoples Republic of China” or Soviet gulags being called “re-education camps.”

The Cali kids want to develop a “catalytic filtration system” that prevents grease fire flareups using metal shields between the grub and coals. The overall pointyhead plan also calls for a filter and fan setup used to dissipate the smoke and noxious fumes generated by the grilling process. The students feel their designs have the “Potential for global application.”

Oh great, along with the Speech Police, the Thought Police and the Nobody Should Have Fun Anywhere at Anytime Police, we now have the Backyard Grill PO-lice. Isn’t anything sacred anymore?

We’re talking Americana here. People gathering and cooking outside, red and white checkered tablecloths on the picnic table, the kiddos playing a game of pickup baseball and a few adult beverages being consumed. Yeah, that’s about as environmentally subversive as you can get.

Put it right up there with the BP oil spill and Chernobyl. How can Western civilization survive Kingsford burning and Dad’s secret recipe sauce being slathered over succulent meat morsels?

I guess we’re gonna have to keep it on the Down-Low if we want to eat High off the Hog. The party list will only include people who have undergone background checks. Charcoal will be added to the controlled substances list, and there will be grill buyback programs in the more liberal cities.

We had better start hoarding lighter fluid and metal 55-gallon drums now. Forget stocking up an AR-15 bullets, this is the new national emergency. There’s gonna be a run on grill brushes and long-handled spatulas at Wal-Mart.

There’s a stack of old Army camouflage nets at the hunting club. I’m going to pick a few up this weekend and string them up between the trees in the backyard.

What for you ask? Why to fool the drones of course!


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