May 6, 2013
(Note: Everything mentioned in this story is based on actual findings of food scandals in China. While the tone is satire, the basis of this story is factually true.)
Introducing the Ratburger! If you’ve never tried the Ratburger, you’re missing out on the latest in affordable cuisine from China, home of the most trusted food on the planet.
The Ratburger is made only of hand-picked, select cuts of rat meat, finely textured and enhanced for your enjoyment. Don’t worry: The head, feet and tails are completely removed by slave labor workers!
The Ratburger comes with a side of “rice” made largely out of plastic, meaning zero calories! Eat as much as you want, we’ll make more!
It’s served up on a sesame seed bun made, in part, from human hair from which the l-cysteine amino acid is derived. This ingredient, by the way, is used throughout the commercial bread industry as a “dough enhancer.” It is derived from human hair collected from the floors of hair salons across China, making it fashionable! You’ll also find this ingredient in the pizza dough at your favorite pizza restaurants across the USA.
The bun is adorned with black sesame seeds that have been turned black by dousing regular sesame seeds with black ink. A little ink is good for ya!
When you buy our Ratburger, you get a free Melamine Milkshake, made with extra melamine that causes permanent kidney damage! But kidney damage is cool, because you get to experience the joys of dialysis for the rest of your life, so what’s not to like?
On top of all that, every ingredient in the Ratburger is loaded with an extra dose of heavy metals poisoning, including cadmium, arsenic, lead, mercury and also aluminum as a bonus. Where else can you get this kind of value across the full table of elements? Only in the Ratburger from China!
Don’t miss the RATBURGER from China, available for a limited time only!