Is it even food?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
In the race to be the most offensive junk food providers in the world, U.S. fast food giants are rolling out disgusting and health-destroying menu concoctions that come close to activating the gag reflex.
Burger King, for example, is now actively testing a bacon sundae, consisting of a (processed, pasteurized) ice cream sundae with two strips of bacon shoved in it. It has all the artistry of a deep fried donkey turd, or maybe even a frozen vomit popsicle. But some people apparently love the idea of getting diabetes (processed ice cream) and cancer (processed bacon) in the same dish!
If you think I’m making all this up, this is actually a true story. It was reported by NPR (http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2012/04/12/150502365/the-bacon-sunda…) and there’s even a photo of the sign promoting the bacon sundae at GrubGrade (http://www.grubgrade.com/2012/04/04/test-market-nashville-burger-king…). You can find a picture and a “food review” of the bacon sundae at:http://www.grubgrade.com/2012/04/12/review-bacon-sundae-from-burger-k…
We took a pizza and stuffed it with hot dogs, then deep fried it and folded it in half to make a GIANT TACO!
Not to be left behind in the race to concoct the most offensive food possible, Pizza Hut has unveiled a new stuffed crust that’s actually stuffed withhot dogs. This is pretty freaky, considering all the bizarre animal parts that hot dogs are stuffed with. Why not just call itRoad Kill Pizza?
You can see a picture of this latest food monstrosity at CBS News:http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57412379-10391704/pizza-hut-un…
I wonder… are these the hot dogs withnormallevels of cancer-causing sodium nitrite, or are these the hot dogs withextracancer-causing sodium nitrite?
It kinda makes you wonder what sort of person this food would appeal to in the first place. Are there really people out there who say, “Eating a PIZZA just isn’t damaging enough to my health. I sure wish they could combine a pizza with HOT DOGS so I could enjoy my two favorite health-destroying foods in every delicious bite!”
There’s a hilarious food parody video fromSNL, by the way, that perfectly captures this food insanity. Watch it here:
Why not try these delicious menu entries as well?
I got to thinking that if Burger King can roll out a bacon sundae, McDonald’s needs something to compete with it. And all the other fast food joints need their own “gross me out!” menu items as well.
So I put together this list of things that I think the American people will eat. Because, as we’ve learned, fast food consumers will eat A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G if you stuff it into a pizza crust and have a famous sports celebrity talk about how great it is.
•Sweaty Socks Omelet. This popular menu item takes a pair of sweaty socks from the local gym, then gently folds them inside a fluffy egg white omelet garnished with sauteed peppers and onions. Low cholesterol for a healthy heart!
•Agenda 21 Recycled Stuffed Pizza. For the eco-conscious consumer, this “recycled pizza” innovation delightfully reuses food that would otherwise go to waste by taking the food left uneaten by previous customers and carefully stuffing it into a pizza crust. Every crust is different, making it a wonderful eco-friendly surprise! It’s so delicious, even Al Gore eats it!
•Vanilla-Flavored Pukeshake. This customer favorite recipe combines Madagascar vanilla beans with the fresh vomit of the very workers at that restaurant, making it a “local food” menu item that hints at the flavors and aromas of each hometown region.
•Deep-Fried Dirt. For those consumers seeking a source of high-quality minerals such as iron, calcium and zinc, we now offer Deep-Fried Dirt! Hand-mined from the pristine top soils of New Orleans, this mineral-rich dirt is rolled into chewy balls bound with silly putty chemicals, gently dusted with MSG and bleached flour, then deep fried in genetically modified canola oil until it’s crispy brown and super delicious!
•Grilled Crap Tips Sandwich. Finally, our five-star menu item consists of meticulously crafted crap tips, drizzled in mustard and anchovies, then grilled over mesquite wood chips and delicately placed in wholesome buns made of processed whole wheat enriched with sheetrock fiber to increase personal crap production while gently whitening your stools.
PLUS, with every menu item you order now, you’ll receive a bonus of Big Ass Fries! It’s a whopping 256 ounces of mutant potatoes and partially hydrogenated soybean oil, enhanced with laboratory-engineered olfactory stimulators that make you think you’re eating real food! These Big Ass Fries are free with every order. Don’t wait! Buy now!
Also worth watching:
Domino’s Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
Taco Town hilarious food commercial parody (SNL):