Fatima Guillermo Chen
April 3, 2008
AUSTIN, TX – National talk show host and documentary film-maker Alex Jones will soon add "Toy Maker" to his resume following the announcement he made on his daily radio show yesterday. During the broadcast, the conspiracy driven Jones said that he would begin production on a number of unique toys and games inspired by familiar Children’s products from days gone by.
"I think it’s high time that someone finally step forward and give the toys we grew up with a thorough make over" announced Jones to his Tuesday morning listener-ship "Our children deserve to be able to enjoy these toys and games just like we did. But first we need to make them more relevant to the day and age in which they live"
That’s where Jones’ newly formed company "Patriot Games, Inc." comes in. With three new products already in production and several more "in the works", Jones hopes to breath new life into some old (but not yet forgotten) American treasures.
Among such revisionist projects are titles like "Where’s Al-Qaeda?" which is loosely based on the popular children’s activity book "Where’s Waldo?" which challenges children to find the title character in a busy picture full of people. In the original version, the book consists of a series of complex full-page illustrated pictures of hundreds of tiny people doing various activities. The goal was to find Waldo among the group, which could be difficult as he is always well hidden. But Alex Jones promises that his version will be far more simple for children because "Al-Qaeda could be anyone". The man delivering a pizza? Al-Qaeda! The woman pushing a baby stroller? Al- Qaeda!! The family out for a leisurely day at the beach? Al-Qaeda!!! Al-Qaeda!!!!
Another variation on a old favorite is "Knock ‘Em SHOCK! ‘Em Robo-Cops" which is based on the popular "Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots" from the 1960′s. In the original version, two mechanized fighters square off from opposite corners of a boxing ring. In the Jones version; two jack-booted, brainwashed thugs armed with extendable batons and tasers square off with the general public (such as peaceful Tibetan protestors, "9-11 Truthers" and Ron Paul supporters) from opposite corners of a "Free Speech Zone".
And last (but certainly not least), is Alex Jones’ modern interpretation of that good old American classic entitled "Monopoly: The New World Order Edition". In this version, all the property has been either grabbed up by central banks or annexed by the government via "imminent domain" seizures. With nothing left to buy, players use their devalued "Monopoly Money" to pay enormous fines, outrageous taxes and sky high rents as they make their way around the board trying to keep two steps ahead of fate and that most dreaded "CHANCE CARD" of them all: "Go Directly To Fema Camp!…Do Not Pass Go!…Do Not Collect Food Ration!"
When the "New World Order" was asked to comment on the latest Jones venture they responded by saying "We don’t exist. Now SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR FLOURIDE!"
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