“[The X-Files have been closed]…for better or worse. We’ve…moved on with our lives.”
Dr. Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson)

It’s been over a decade since The X-Files graced our TV screens and nearly a decade since showrunner Chris Carter tried to get us all off his back by pitting FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully (David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, respectively) against European organ smugglers in 2008’s The X-Files: I Want to Believe, ending the film with Mulder and Scully on their way to a remote island for some much-needed vacation.

With their luck, they’d end up battling smoke monsters and hiding from islanders in ratty clothing.

FOX has re-booted The X-Files much to the squealing delight of the oldest of the old school fanboys. Yep, that X-Files. The one with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson and that one FBI Boss dude with the glasses who “got the most fan mail” because he’s bald and manly with those football shoulders…where was I…?

Oh, yes.

The opener (entitled “My Struggle”) finds Mulder and Scully separated and fatigued, no longer living their dream life of Unabomber Chic seclusion in the middle of the mountains. While she works at the Cure de Christ Hospital from the last film, Mulder has gone from moping over monsters to…well…moping over monsters. “UFOs are a punchline,” he laments as we’re subjected to YouTube’s finest fake UFO footage made by armchair digital artists who should have been doing the effects for this show. We’re in a new era, Duchovny tells us. One where Adobe After Effects is an accomplice of the enemies of truth.

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