April 6, 2011
GAINESVILLE, FL—In response to the uproar surrounding Terry Jones, the Florida pastor whose Koran-burning last month sparked riots in Afghanistan that have so far claimed at least 24 lives, the State Department announced today its plan to “just pack [Jones] up and ship him over there” so that fundamentalist Muslims can take out their anger on him directly. “We just want to let followers of Islam across the globe know that, hey, we’re totally with you on this one, so do your worst,” said U.S. deputy secretary of state Thomas Nides, who spoke to reporters this morning shortly after CIA agents secured Jones with duct tape and tossed him face-first into the cargo bay of a DC-9 aircraft. “You want to shove a Bible in his mouth and kick it through the back of his head? Fine with us. Want to behead him on the Internet? Send us the URL—we’d love to have a look.” Officials also noted that if the world’s radical Islamists are still angry after dealing with Jones, the U.S. has “dozens more just like him, so say the word.