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From a Listener:

As we go out to celebrate our freedom this 4th of July, let's go over
a few things to make your celebration a success.

Don't use any illegal fireworks in your 4th Celebration.
It is for your own safety.

Make sure you are buckled up in your seat belts, there will be
roadblocks and checkpoints to make sure you comply. It is for the children.

If you are a Worldcom or Enron former employee, lighten up for the
holiday, you can always look for a job tomorrow.

Don't mention God or Jesus if celebrating on any public property.
Government is God there. You will be apprehended.

Have your papers ready as you approach the holiday police checkpoints.

Don't criticize the President or other government officials, you might
be in violation of the Patriot Act and considered a possible terrorist.

Don't mention the Constitution in any district court or you could be
held in contempt.

If your children get out of line this holiday, do not discipline them,
or they may be kidnapped by the Dept. of Social Services and held hostage
until you receive approved psychological therapy and are deemed aceptable.

Show compassion this Independence Day by bringing an illegal immigrant
to your celebration or by hugging a tree.

If an election is occurring in your locality within the next 90 days,
do not talk about or publicly support any candidate, as that is no longer
lawful. Keep your mouth shut.

If an officer asks to search your vehicle at the "seat belt" checks,
do not be belligerent and demand a search warrant. Standing up for your
fourth amendment rights is anti-social and not in tune with the new American
way. Are you with Al Quada or something?

Do not get upset when the searching officer will not help you pick up
your belongings that he has strewn all over the highway as he searched your
vehicle. It is not in his job description and complaining will get you
charged with obstructing justice.

Keep your guns at home. You are not going hunting and besides, What
on earth do guns have to do with American Independence? Better yet, turn your guns into the authorities to let them know that you are a true patriotic American.

If celebrating at the mall in Washington DC. you are probably safe as
the mall is now monitored by hundreds of surveillance cameras, watched by
federal security forces. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want them
to see.

Bring lots of cash with you, there will be many taxes, fines, and fees
to pay as you celebrate your freedoms this day.

Do not leave home without your driver's license, social security card,
birth certificate, welfare card, medicare card, medical records, W-2
Form, and two others forms of ID. You may be asked for them at the police

Better yet, get micro-chipped, and avoid the hassle of carrying around
your papers.

Bring your library card, the FBI may ask you for it.

If traveling by air this Independence Day, do not give the airport
screeners a hard time. They are feeling you up and molesting your
daughter and wife for the security of America. If you complain you could be
arrested. You don't support Bin Laden do you?

Keep an eye on your fellow Americans as you celebrate this 4th of
July. If you see anything supicious, take notes so that when you get home you can call and report them to the Homeland Security Office. And remember you are not a nosey snitch, you are a great American Patriot.

Do not mention the signers of the Declaration of Independence this 4th
of July. Mentioning these white subversive terrorists is not popular and
could get you in big trouble. Besides what do these guys have to do with the 4th of July anyway?

Do not leave home without one or more little plastic American flags
made by political slaves in Communist China. Make sure you have one flying from the antennae of your vehicle. You don't want to seem un-American do

Do not take a copy of the Declaration of Independence with you as it
advocates the overthrow of tyrannical government. It is a terrorist
document and will be confiscated at the holiday police checkpoints.
Same advice for the Constitution.

And remember, as you leave home for your 4th of July outing, that the
second you stepped out of your door that you probably broke hundreds of
federal, state, and local laws that you are probably unaware of.
However, if you tow the line, you will not be charged.

Now go out and celebrate your independence and have a great
Independence Day!


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