The Spoof | July 1, 2008 (Satire)

WASHINGTON D.C.- On the heels of it’s recent decision in favor of an individual’s right to keep and bear arms, the United States Supreme Court handed down yet another landmark ruling today in the case of Alex Jones Vs. The City of Austin.

In a 5-3 vote, the Supreme Court gave Alex Jones and the American people permission to keep the protections of free speech granted under the 1st amendment of the constitution. This ends a lengthy court battle between the popular radio talk show host and the City of Austin, who cited Jones for disturbing the peace during one of his bull-horning protests outside the Texas Governor’s Mansion some years back.

The victorious Jones emerged from the courthouse in handcuffs and a black bag over his head while two police officers hustled him into a nearby car and transported him downtown for booking.

Apparently Jones had become irate during the proceedings when it was revealed in the fine print of the court’s decision that his “type of speech” was protected only under certain conditional provisions that include:

Obtaining a speech permit
Exercising the speech in the privacy of his own home
Talking into a pillow

According to one court observer “The Justices became quite upset about their authority being questioned and they had him taken into custody for contempt of court”.

As Justice Hugo Fuquerselph explains “Some people are just never happy. He’s lucky we allow him to speak at all . Besides, everyone knows that the original intent of our founding fathers was to protect hard-core pornographers and morning-drive shock jocks. I mean exploiting women and telling fart jokes is one thing. But criticizing the government? That’s just un-American!”

While Alex Jones appears to be less than thrilled with the ruling, other free speech proponents applaud the court’s decision. Will D. Seaview of the “Hearst Institute of Journalistic Integrity” called it “a major victory for yellow journalists everywhere” and media mogul Rupert Murdoch cheered “ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!….now which one is the first amendment again?”

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