Angelina Jolie copied by men!
May 20, 2013
Beyond merely inspiring women to cut off healthy breasts just because they carry the BRCA1 gene, Angelina Jolie also seems to be inspiring men to remove some of their own reproductive organs as well. According to an IBtimes article, a British man is the first person to have had his prostate gland surgically removed because he carries the BRCA2 “breast cancer” gene that’s related to the BRCA1 gene suddenly made famous by Angelina Jolie’s double mastectomy.
IBtimes reports, “Surgeons were initially reluctant, since the potential side effects of the operation include infertility, incontinence and sexual dysfunction.”
But what the hell, right? If cutting off healthy organs is trendy enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s gotta be trendy enough for everybody else… including men!
Medical self-mutilation… a new fashion statement for the chronically stupid
This new meme of medical self-mutilation is spreading fast, and surgeons are jumping on the bandwagon, realizing there’s a windfall of profits to be made from performing surgical procedures on people who don’t need surgery.
After all, the only reason surgery isn’t a much larger industry is because most surgeons limit their practice only to people who have a medical need for surgery. But why set an artificial limit? It’s so much more profitable to convince people to remove healthy organs… and what better way to make it trendy than to get Hollywood celebrities to talk it up?
Surgeons, too, are hyping the fear factor. Roger Kirby, the lead surgeon on this prostate cancer removal, reportedly told the Sunday Times, “…knowing you are a carrier [of the BRCA2 gene] is like having the sword of Damocles hanging over you. You are living in a state of constant fear. I am sure more male BRCA carriers will now follow suit [with surgical removal].”
Especially if more celebrities come out and promote these medical self-mutilation procedures as trendy and cool, of course.
Hey, I want to see Brad Pitt’s prostate gland stuffed into a glass tube and hanging around Angelina Jolie’s neck like she used to reportedly do with Billy Bob Thorton’s blood. That wouldn’t be weird, would it?
I think we should start a “Skin Removal Foundation” to have all the skin surgically removed from people who might someday have skin cancer… which includes everyone.
Or better yet, the “Young Women Breast Cancer Prevention Society” which chops off their breasts at age nine, before puberty really kicks in. Just tell your little girls how much you love them before the anesthesia kicks in. That’s what good mommies do, isn’t it?
And for the young boys, why stop at slicing off their foreskin at birth? Penis mutilation is just a warm-up for today’s insane medical monsters. Why not remove their colons at birth so that they never run the risk of dying from colon cancer? Why not cut off their testicles and make sure they never face the future possible risk of testicular cancer, too?
I know, it’s insane. Disgusting. Outrageous. And yet it’s happening right now thanks to women like Angelina Jolie who are publicizing and pushing this idea that women should have healthy breasts cut out of their bodies even though there is no rational medical justification for doing so.
You are your own boogeyman: Cut off anything that scares you
So now we’ve come to the end game of slash-and-burn medicine deployed across a sick, demented society: Having healthy organs isn’t good enough anymore. Now we have to cut out organs just because we have the fear of possible future disease — a fear that is utterly irrational and hyped up by the cancer industry itself. This fear is the adult medical version of the “Boogeyman” that children think is hiding under their beds at night.
Watch out, women, the breast cancer boogeyman is coming to get you! Better cut off the organs before they become diseased, and that way you can live in total peace with a “zen attitude” about life.
Never mind any discussion of how to live a healthy, cancer-free life while reducing your risk of cancer to nearly zero. It’s easy to accomplish with foods, superfoods, nutritional supplements, exercise and other simple lifestyle choices. But you don’t hear this offered anywhere in the media. Instead, it’s all about, “Cut it off!”
The new answer to disease: Cut out the organ that might be involved and call it a cure
Got a problem eating too much ice cream? Cut out your stomach! (Bariatric surgery)
Gallbladder suddenly hurting from your crappy junk food diet? Slice it out with a precision medical instrument! (A common medical procedure across the USA today)
Your brain working too fast? Sever your corpus callosum and disconnect! (Common psychiatric treatment)
Sweating too much? Have your sweat glands removed! (This is a very popular surgery in Taiwan and China.)
Never mind the risk of surgery and anesthesia, the nerve damage, the numb scar tissue, the ridiculous medical bills and the crippling side effects of going under the knife. None of these things are your concern. You need to be a Hollywood hipster like Jolie, and that can only be accomplished, dear reader, through scar tissue!
Call 1-800-CHOP-OFF today! (satire)
What are you waiting for? Call 1-800-CHOP-OFF today and discover the new, risk-free, worry-free YOU! Operators and surgeons are standing by with scalpels at the ready. No organ too large or too small! … Not even yours!
Call 1-800-CHOP-OFF now and be prepared to show your Obamacare policy number for a FREE consultation with our team of highly-experienced medical mutilators. Out top man has removed over 147 breasts so far, and he’s ready for more!
Coming soon in 2014: Drive-through double mastectomies performed by Walgreens! Drive in with worries, drive out with pure bliss, knowing your breasts will never kill you! Peace of mind is priceless, plus you’ll never have to breastfeed ever again!
Do-It-Yourself Medical Mutilation Arrives Soon
And coming in 2015: The “Organ Whacker Saw” Do-It-Yourself breast and prostate remover!
No body part is worth keeping around if it might kill you in your sleep, is it? Don’t live with the terrible burden of knowing there is a 1 in 1,000 chance of dying from a preventable disease that you aren’t preventing. Take care of the problem yourself — in seconds — with the new, FDA-approved “Organ Whacker Saw,” shown in the picture on the right.
The Organ Whacker Saw is Hollywood approved and it instantly whacks off breasts, testicles, ears, feet and hands. In “advanced mode” it can even be used to remove those pesky kidneys and prostate glands! Worried about your prostate? Toss your sex life out the window and whack your prostate! It’s gone! And so are your worries!
WARNING: The Organ Whacker Saw should never be used on anyone else due to the danger of personal injury. Only use it on yourself! Because that’s trendy. Read included instructions and safety warnings before using.
The Organ Whacker Saw will be available at Home Depot, Lowe’s and CVS Pharmacies everywhere. Ask for it by name: “I want the Organ Whacker Saw!” Don’t settle for cheap imitations made in China. Organ Whacker saw is made in the USA with American pride in every sharpened, precision instrument. It comes with a 48-volt rechargeable lithium-ion battery good for over 2,000 mutilations!
Self-mutilation has never been easier: Whack your organs off with the most trusted name in the industry: the Organ Whacker Saw!
(Reality check: If you think this satire has gone too far, just wait ten years and it will all become a reality. A decade ago, the idea that women would cut off their breasts when they had no breast cancer was considered medical lunacy. Now it’s trendy and cool.)