Fatima Guillermo Chen
The Spoof
February 23, 2008

SAN DIEGO – Marvel Comics announced last December that it was joining forces with the United Nations to bolster the world organization’s lack-luster image by producing “free” comic books depicting popular superheroes working in cooperation with the UN Security Council to resolve bloody international conflicts (unless perpetrated by the State of Israel) and rid the world of disease.

Today, at a press conference held during day six of the 2008 Comic-Con convention (the largest comic book and popular arts convention in the world), Marvel spokesperson Eugene Echs revealed more details about the forthcoming project.

“We will be introducing two new “Super Villains” to the “Marvel Universe” this summer” said Echs “and just as the United Nations is a real organization, we have drawn our inspiration for their adversaries from real life examples as well”

Although no “real” names of whom these examples were was revealed, it became rather obvious once the descriptions of the villains was underway.

First there’s “Tex Truther” (obviously an homage to DC Comic’s Lex Luther). Tex was once a mild mannered political talk show host from Austin Texas named “Jonas Alexander” who, after sustaining a massive electrical shock resulting from the surge caused by a lightning bolt striking his broadcast tower, is transformed into a crazed eyed, red skinned gargantua whose bulging chest and biceps gouge and rip away at his shirt.

Surging with wrath against “world government”, Tex Truther uses thunderous rants against his opponents. His high pitched howls can be “very hard on the ears” and can, in some cases, even “bring down walls”!

The second of these new villains is a renegade Congressman who, after being exposed to the power of a sacred piece of parchment known as the “United States Constitution”, becomes “Dr. No”: a tax slashing political outsider who thwarts the efforts of globalists by opposing legislation that would put the nation’s interest’s in the hand’s of foreign powers.

“These two villains will be at the center of the conflicts that the United Nation contends with for at least the first two issues” explains Echs. “Their real life counterparts have always been a thorn in the side of the United Nations and I suspect these fictional versions will prove to be just as menacing. Much in the way “Dr. Doom” is to the “Fantastic Four”.

In addition to the new super villain line-up, Echs also revealed that Marvel was planning to give a “face lift” to many of their existing heroes.

“Spiderman” will now be “Spider-Goatman” , a nod to scientific advances in genetic cross-species research.

“Captain America” will now be “Captain Amero” and will trade in his red white and blue shield for one bearing the UN crest.

“We want to do away with antiquated notions of truth, justice and the American way” explains Echs “and replace them with more of a forward thinking, global friendly kind of attitude”
“We will also be making our characters more “eco-conscious” Echs goes on to explain “For instance; Ghost Rider will no longer be drawn with a flaming skull in order to cut down on CO2 emissions and will now ride a bicycle instead of a motorcycle to reduce the size of his carbon footprint”.

Some story ideas were also revealed centering around the predominant theme of “Man-Made Global Warming” and will pit heroes against such serious crisis as second hand smoke, outdoor BBQ’s and flatulating cows.

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