Fatima Guillermo Chen
The Spoof
March 3, 2008

Almost four years since the search for the elusive Alex Jones began comes word from Homeland Security Officials that the former radio talk show host turned cult leader has taken his own life following a tense stand-off with federal agents Friday at his secret mountain strong hold in a high, remote, almost inaccessible region of the Colorado Rockies.

In an impromptu press conference held today in Denver, Homeland Security Czar Michael Chertoff announced that they had at last ended the “Jones Reign Of Terror” that had kept the country in a grip of fear since 2010.

“We can say with confidence,” said Chertoff, “that this world will no longer have to deal with the likes of Alex Jones”.

Alex Jones was a prominent voice of the (so-called) patriot community up until the end of 2010 when his radio show was taken off the air. This came as a result of the passage of the expanded Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Initiative that brought an end to unauthorized free speech in America.

About a year and a half later, Jones was featured on “North America’s Most Wanted” hosted by John Walsh, who devoted the entire hour to the Jones case following a warrant issued for his arrest for thought crimes related to all manner of treasonous offences such as “giving aid and comfort to the enemy”, “the planned and organized intent to impede public services” and “encouraging, inciting or communicating a desire to interfere with continuity of government”.

The hour long broadcast portrayed Jones as a raving lunatic though some sympathetic to Jones have alleged that the producers of the program did some “very clever editing” to distort his features when they showed out of context footage of him screaming, at the top of his lungs, about the government.

“They applied a red hue to his pupils to make him look devilish,” said one anonymous Jones supporter. “They distorted the shape of his head and photo-shopped purple veins on his temples that throbbed to the beat of the “Imperial Death March” they had playing in the background”. The source further implied that “This (The Imperial Death March) used to be bumper music on his radio show but they (the government) imply that he (Jones) adopted this as his “battle hymn” and that he thought of himself as some sort of Darth Vader incantation. This is a total fabrication and an insult to anyone who knew the man or studied his work”.

Those in our beloved government beg to differ.

“What you see is what you get”” cried Senator Jane Harmon (D)-CA, the author of the Homegrown Terrorism and Prevention Act of 2008. “Alex Jones has been a long time enemy to our emerging world government and it’s high time that the long arm of the law finally came within reach of this vile creature before he “Death Marched” his way into the living rooms of every family in America”.

The Alex Jones saga is one seeped in controversy. Following the issuance of a warrant for his arrest, Jones virtually vanished from public attention. Then, in 2011, following Martial Law and after the merging of all four major broadcast networks (ABC/CBS/NBC/FOX) into the federally regulated NANA (North American News Authority), word of Jones sightings emerged.

Reports surfaced that Jones had assumed command of an “American Al-Queda Cell” operating somewhere in the Mid-West and that he was directing terrorist operations throughout the region. Shopping centers were hit, postal workers were being sniped, and racially motivated attacks were perpetrated against immigrants. All of this was suspected to have been master minded by the “Evil Alex Jones” and the resonant chant “ALEX JONES MUST BE STOPPED!” became a familiar catch phrase with popular political commentators.

As days progressed, though, reports tended to frame Jones as more of a “cult leader” than a terrorist and described him as a delusional madman who had amassed an army of followers intent on bringing an end to all government and usher in an era of TOTAL ANARCHY!

Now, in recent days, witnesses (whom some pundits accuse of being government plants and provocateurs) have surfaced who claim that they had just narrowly escaped from the Alex Jones “Death Cult”. They told of unspeakable cruelty and how Jones mental state had deteriorated over the past months. They said he’d become increasingly paranoid and claimed he believed that blood drinking alien reptiles from the Theos Zoxon Galaxy had shape-shifted into the forms of all government leaders and that they had plans to exterminate humanity.

During the press conference, Chertoff released photos of Alex Jones they claim to have found on the Jones’ “COMPOUND”. Photos show the alleged criminal mastermind standing in a clearing by the edge of some woods.

“He’s 41 but be looks like a 65 year old cancer victim,” said Aaron Dikes, a close friend and long time Jones associate commenting about the photos in a recent phone interview. “His head was shaved, he had huge bags under his eyes and a gaunt almost yellow complexion. He couldn’t have weighed more than 100 pounds if he weighed anything at all. He was bare foot and he wore torn jeans and a dirty yellow wife-beater. His eyes had lost their entire glow. He looked as though he could barely keep the weight of his body erect but nevertheless had an assault rifle clutched in his slacked arms. It looked as heavy as a cord of firewood. If you want my assessment” he continues “they (the government) marched him out into those woods and took that picture themselves just before putting a bullet in his head”.

Many other Jones loyalists echo the assertions made by Dikes who claim that Jones had warned that his demise would come at the hands of those who wanted him silenced and they would most likely stage a suicide. Such assertions cannot be verified, due to the fact that all Alex Jones documentary films and radio archives have since been destroyed.

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