I always said, this isn’t about Bernie Sanders, it is about the Revolution, the young people rising up and confronting Wall Street, confronting militarism, confronting an oligarchy that is killing us all with its climate change and low wage jobs and control of our democracy!
And that is why I am so excited that my new good friend Secretary Hillary (and I mean that as in Secretary of State, please, no more sexism charges hurled at me! I am tired of being Naderized!) has given me a special role. I am now the chair of #CitizensForResponsibleOligarchy. Yes, my friends and fellow revolutionaries, victory is at hand.
Hillary has assured me in a private conversations that will be leaked by some of my trusted advisors that indeed, she has seen the light. She thanked me for letting her off the hook on that damned email thing, and assured me that her good friend President Obama would never let her be harmed by such a trifling matter that we are all sick and tired of hearing about, so no indictments for her.
Then Hillary said to me,
Bernie, I have seen the light! You and your cute young white boy followers have taught me so much! I get it now! #TPP – bad! Fracking which I love too – bad! Climate change? Well my billionaire buddy Tom Steyer already set me straight on that, and I was happy to see your pal Bill McKibben on our sweet little DNC Platform Committee.
But Bernie, we have a problem. And given your family history, I do not have to explain much! Trump = Hitler. It is that easy. That is why I need you to pull together all those #BernieOrBust, #VoteGreen, #FeelTheBern wackos, er – stalwarts!, and unite them in a grand army of the Republic to fight fascism by electing me! I want you to head #CitizensForResponsibleOligarchy and set our people free this November! Send the world a message loud and strong, we are united! It’s not just the radical Left you represent, or the neocon progressives whom I champion! It’s all of us!
David Koch! George Bush! Every mainstream corporate media hack! John Nichols! MoveOn! The Nation! The Wall Street Journal! Wall Street!
Bernie, together you and I have done it, we have united America and are on the verge of saving it! The fascist oligarch must be beaten! Long live the responsible oligarchs!”
So to the millions of you, and you know who you are, who have given me $27.37 cents over and over, and to the millions who have pounded doors and attended rallies, I say, welcome to the mountain top! See you in Philly! On to victory in November and one hell of a corporate-sponsored celebration in DC in January!
Bernie Sanders, Chair, Citizens for Responsible Oligarchy