They have already forced out University of Missouri President Tim Wolfe and Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin. Both of them were last seen groveling on their hands and knees. But on the on-campus protesters say that this is just the beginning. They are going to demand a lot more. Therefore, I have come up with a list of things that the university could do to appease them and convince them to end their protests. As an olive branch to the protesters, the University of Missouri should implement all of the following, effective immediately:
1) Offer free tuition to all students of color, regardless of their academic standing.
2) Require that all white male students and faculty members wear the scarlet letters WMP (for “white male privilege”) on the front of their clothing at all times.
3) Require that all white students and faculty members sign a written confession, admitting that they are racists.
4) Forbid professors from giving a failing grade to any student of color.
5) Force all students and faculty members to swear allegiance to the Democratic Party.
6) Guarantee that African Americans will be selected to fill the vacated positions of president and chancellor.
7) Award President Obama an honorary doctorate degree.
8) Reserve the valedictorian designation only for blacks, women, Hispanics, or the physically challenged.
9) Host a Quentin Tarantino film festival on campus annually and make attendance mandatory.
10) Offer “Ghetto Sensitivity 101” and make it a required course for graduation.
11) Make it the official stance of the university to be in favor of slave reparations.
12) Ban all current and former police officers from setting foot on campus.